Monday, January 21, 2013

A Bold And Tender Song

My heart is open and exposed for the first time in years.  I hadn't realized how protected I'd made it until recently.  I'd made it safe, secure, and completely walled off from the rest of the world, and there it sat for years.  There was a small entrance for old friends, family, and animals.  They somehow knew the way without being told, and my heart was still available to them.  And because my heart was protected from everyone else, the people who knew the way in received all I had to give and it felt like a lot, it felt like enough.

What I didn't realize was that my heart was shrinking.  Dieing.  I thought I'd protected it but in reality I'd stifled it and it assumed it was no longer needed.  It was shrinking to the size of the beings I'd allowed it access to.  If I only needed and used a quarter of my heart, why keep the rest alive?  And as parts of my heart died all around my soul applied a tourniquet so as not to infect the rest.  I'd have moments of phantom pain but for the most part I was unaffected and chose to remain oblivious.

Then I began to meet people I liked.  People who were special to me.  People I wanted to let in and be let in to.  And I realized I couldn't.  They didn't know the way, I hadn't opened any new paths, and I I didn't feel there was any space left.  Where would these people fit?  And it was then I began doing the math and nothing added up.  I'd had at least one more person in my heart, taking up quite a bit of space, and I'd taken that away from them.  So there should be plenty of space for one other, several others actually.  And I'd never had trouble taking in more before...there'd always been enough to go around in the past.  Always.  What had changed?  Where had all that space gone?  Why weren't people getting in?

I started poking around.  A tourniquet here, a tourniquet there.  I started snipping them away.  I ached with the healing, surprised by it.  I saw that there was only one way in and started clearing new paths from the inside out.  I intentionally invited new people in and through new routes.  And as they came in the tenderness in those areas firmed up, there was nothing raw there anymore.  And there was still much more room.  The love all around began to echo through the empty spaces and the echo could be heard far and wide.  It was a calling out.  It became a song.

I'm trying now to catch the rhythm.  To recognize the beat.  I hear and feel it pumping out, blasting out, calling out.  I feel myself attracting songs that compliment it, or that it compliments.  My heart is new, glowing, beautifully tender and bold.  My heart doesn't need protection, it needs freedom.  The more I surrender my hold, the more it grows, the stronger it beats, the more beautiful and complex it's song becomes.

My heart is open and exposed for the first time in years and it pulses a bold and tender song.

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