Sunday, January 6, 2013

Getting Out of My Head

Have I made a mistake or am I still on the right path?  If he's the right one for me why can't I figure out what's wrong withe me/us and why it doesn't work?  If he's not the right one for me why haven't I moved on? He pointed out today that it's been nearly four years.  Why haven't either one of us moved on?  We've both physically moved on with other people for whatever lengths of time, but neither one of us has attempted what could be called a real relationship.  I don't even have any truly deep friendships with anyone because I'm so worried about sheltering my heart.

The few times I've been around him have been so difficult though.  I'm instantly angry/frustrated and I take it out on him.  But does that have anything to do with him or is it all me?  I don't think I'm capable of moving on without figuring this out.

Was I unhappy because I was holding myself back and blaming him or were there legitimate reasons for our dissolution?  If we'd gotten married would we still be together?  Would we be together and miserable? Together and happy?  Still separated?

I told myself this would be the year when I'd open myself up to the possibility of love again.  When I'd be willing to hurt if it also meant the possibility of loving/being loved.  And now I am suddenly hearing from him again.  And not just hearing from him but hearing that's he's convinced he won't ever move on and that I'm the one.  It's like looking in a mirror and recognizing the reflection instantly even though it no longer looks like you.

Is he my one?  Did I just give up?  Every time I hear "Pride and Joy," which seems to be every fucking time I go to my local, I think of him and how much love we had/have.  I've certainly never loved anyone the way I loved him and I love him still.

I want him to come strolling into the local.  I want our eyes to meet.  I want to kiss and hug and everything be perfect and wonderful.  I want Disney to script my life tonight.

I both love and hate his ambition/work ethic and that hasn't changed.  Our families don't exactly mesh with each other or either of us and that hasn't changed either.  We both drink too much when we're together.  His focus is money at all times.  I'm a romantic realist.  He'd both love and hate it up here, which means he and my dad may finally have something to talk about, but I love it here.

I feel like I'm just starting to live here, settle in here, be who I want to be here.  It's all just starting...  It would be like trying to take your high school partner with you to college and I know how well that worked out.

Jesus fuck what am I doing to us?  This is unfair to us both.  I need to figure it out before either one of us gets hurt any more.  If I haven't figured anything out in four years, why do I think anything would be any different?

I just really want things to be simple after all this time of complicated.  I really want things to be lovely after all this time of painful.  How come leaving was absolutely the right thing to do and we both agree on that but neither one of us can move on?

If I'm completely honest, I love that he still loves me.  I revel in the knowledge, feeding off it, using it to rebuild myself.  How horrible is that?

I have never doubted that we love each other.  Which is why it's illogical to think him showing up here would solve everything.  A proof of love isn't what I need.  So why do I look up every time someone comes in?  The romantic, lusting, shocking awesomeness of him walking in would just magically tell me we were meant to be together the way nothing else could and all our issues would solve themselves?  Fucking hardly.  So why would it change anything?  It wouldn't.  But I'd kiss him.  I'd try harder.

Why?

What would it change is he walked in, said he quit his job, wanted to live off his rental income and maybe get a part time gig or volunteer up here?  The life I want wouldn't be enough for him.  It's not practical anyway.  That's the problem right there isn't it?  I want the romantic impossibility as a reality.  I want to be broke and struggling but happy together.  He can't be those things together.  I want to be financially comfortable and happy together.  Also impossible because he can't be happy without working hard and rising to the top which means we never see each other.  I will never be with him the way I want and if I did he'd be miserable.  He claims I underestimate him.  Or maybe I admit to a truth he doesn't see.

I need to figure this out and get out of my head.  Get out of my head and move forward with a decision.  Or maybe just have another beer.

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